Do you have any enemies?
I hope I don’t! There are a couple of people in this world that I feel some anger towards, but that is very different to having an enemy. Chances are the people I am angry with, aren’t even aware of my feelings! And I certainly don’t wish them harm.
However I did write a letter some years back to “vent my spleen” at one of them, which I’m sharing here today …
The Letter I Have Never Sent
“Dear X,
As you can probably imagine we were all deeply shocked and saddened to learn of the death of our mother.
We are also struggling with the fact that it was in accordance with her wishes, that we were not informed of her illness, death, and funeral at the time.
However, I Must Confess: we are all rather at a loss to know why you would not attempt to contact us in the four and half years since. Fair enough at the time but perhaps three months or even twelve months down the track? Surely you had a moral obligation to let us know! Were you that worried about my mother’s wrath even after her death?
It seems particularly upsetting when (another family member) made contact with us through Facebook recently, and would have realised that we obviously had NO CLUE that our own mother had passed away!
You mentioned on the phone that Mum was extremely difficult to live with. If you thought you had it bad, what do you think it was like for us?! Did you know that she was extremely mentally, verbally and physically abusive and cruel? Why did you think Mum was estranged from all four of her adult children?! YOU had the choice of how to handle your relationship with Mum. As her children, particularly when we were minors, we had NO CHOICE. We were alone and nobody was there to help us.
Did you never realise there was something very wrong with Mum? Psychologists now believe that she was in fact a sociopath.
From what I’ve read, there’s a good chance that mum was sexually abused in her own childhood, leading to her problems later in life. But it is a secret she has taken to her grave – unless you know something that might shed some light on it for us?
My siblings and I harboured no ill feelings to you or our other family members, although we have had no contact over the years. We *had* to distance ourselves from our mother to protect our own sanity, and the rest of the family was just collateral damage.
We do understood that Mum’s final wishes put you and the family in a very difficult position. But why would you abide by them, when you didn’t actually get along that well in life anyway? Do you ever regret your choice to stay silent and not reach out to us?
You can probably feel the hurt and anger dripping off the page (or screen!).
I have never sent this letter and probably never will. Sometimes it is best to just let sleeping dogs lie.
I’m curious – what would you have done if you had been instructed NOT to tell the children of their mother’s death?
Linking up with My Home Truths.
Denyse Whelan Blogs says
This totally boggles my mind. I am so very sorry to read the contents. I would be incredibly hurt and saddened and angered by such behaviour. Your response here is a helpful one I hope. But what I take from this post Janet is how you are, what a great mother and partner you are and that YOU are not letting your past determine your life now and into the future. More power to you. Denyse
Janet Camilleri says
Thanks Denyse. Yes, I determined a long time ago that the abuse cycle stops with me xxx
Vanessa says
It’s a difficult one, do you respect the wishes of someone who is no longer here or do you care for the people who are still here by giving them the right to mourn? And even if you don’t tell them, it doesn’t mean they won’t know know – social media, death notices in newspapers…
Janet Camilleri says
Exactly – I discovered mum’s death notice online … wouldn’t it be kinder to have broken the news to us personally?
Tory Warren says
I’m sort of in this situation. My father in law is very ill at the moment (he’s out of remission). He and my MIL are estranged from two of their sons due to my FIL’s behavior. My husband and I were debating on the weekend whether or not they should be told in the event of his death. My FIL is completely against it, saying ‘they had their chance to care’. Once he’s gone, we have to think of the people who are left and sad as it is, it may be a catalyst for his two sons to have a relationship with their mother and brother again.
Janet Camilleri says
I like your thinking Tory. If they want to ruin their lives with bitterness and hate is one thing. But after that? It’s time to move along x
Ness says
Such a heart wrenching letter, Janet. It must have been very difficult for you. I think you’re right. It’s probably better to let it go, though it must be so hard.
Janet Camilleri says
Thanks Ness. Yes, by holding on to the anger and bitterness, I’m only really hurting myself.
Kirsty @ My Home Truths says
Such a difficult situation Janet, for everyone involved. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Something similar happened to a family member of mine who wasn’t told of the death of a close family member for some time after the death due to family estrangement. It was devastating, as I can imagine it has been for you too. I hope acknowledging your feelings in this letter will help dispel some of the lasting bitterness and resentment x
Janet Camilleri says
I’ve definitely come a long way over the past few years! But I guess I will always wonder, “why?” about so many things …
Susan says
I think that family should know. Feuds should stop at death and normal process of notification should take place, even if there are others who think it shouldn’t happen. My dad died a couple of years ago and I am not sure his brother has been told by the closest family members still living. That seems unfair to the brother even though there was a break-down in communication in the final years. We are not to let personal feelings into the ‘right to know’. …That’s my feelings on the matter … And I think we should be as considerate as possible when it comes to family and the death of someone, no matter how terrible the relationships were.