As parents, we want to do our best for our children – but with the wisdom of hindsight, are there things that we will one day regret?
With both my children now grown (and one flown from the nest), I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting.
Quite apart from looking for new goals, I’ve also been looking back at the things I would have done differently if I knew THEN, what I know now …
Perhaps you can learn from my mistakes, so I’ve listed my parenting regrets:
1. Private School
Although our children started out at a private school, for various reasons we took them out before they had completed primary school. It seemed the right decision at the time, but …
Neither of our children went on to university (UPDATED 14.04.16: As Mr 21 just pointed out to me, I need to update this! He is now studying for a degree in Commerce and has taken to it like a duck to water!). We can’t help wondering that if we’d somehow managed to send them to a private school for their high school years, if that would have made a difference – to their study habits, their peer groups, their careers? Both claim it wouldn’t have … but we have our doubts. And maybe not just a private school, but an all girls’ or all boys’ school, so there wasn’t the distraction of the opposite sex!
2. A Swimming Pool
We always wanted to have a pool for the whole family to enjoy, and so that the kids could become confident swimmers.
When we were looking for a new home six years ago, we really wanted to get a house with a pool. We just felt it would be such a great thing for teenaged kids, to be able to have their friends over and hang out around the pool. Sadly, we couldn’t find anything suitable at the time and so the pool never eventuated … and now it’s too late 🙁 .
3. No Sony Playstation
We gave Mr 20 a Sony PS1 for his 5th birthday. How I wish now we’d held off from all the electronic games and gizmos for as long as possible, to allow our children more time to just play and experience real life! Ditto to introducing them to Facebook – what WAS I thinking?!
4. Gone Camping
Not my favourite thing, but it would have been a great way to have together time.
5. Changing Churches
When our kids were about 12 and 10, we changed churches. While I have nothing against changing churches, I can’t help feeling the timing was all wrong for our family. We took our children away from the church environment and friends they’d known all their lives … and they never really got into it again. Neither of them attends church now.
At each stage of our parenting journey though, we did the best we could. And as the hubster pointed out, we didn’t exactly have the best parenting role model (in my case) nor did we have grandparents close by to guide us.
Do you have any parenting regrets?
Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me says
I’m working my ass off so I can send our kids to private school and thanks for the warning re playstation, our kids use the iPad from time to time but I don’t want a gaming console in our house for years!
Janet Camilleri says
Hopefully you – and many others – will benefit from learning from my mistakes x
Nikki @ Wonderfully Women says
The school does not maketh the scholar, just lends a guiding hand. I have seen both work for and against a child’s future. My brother got a TE990 at a state high and went on to honors in engineering. My daughter has a friend who’s parents struggled to get her through Brisbane Girls Grammar so she can go to Uni and fluff around doing an arts degree with no idea what she wants to do. Not all kids go on to Uni or find enough passion to slug away at school for high grades. As long as they are happy nothing else matters. As for a pool we have had one and now we don’t, no biggie. We make the best choices at the time and if we keep them off the streets and drug free then we are rocking it! I am blessed to have two clever teens that get awesome grades, one is at Uni and one will be going, but if they were not blessed with brains, I would support them through any career choice. xx N
Janet Camilleri says
I think that’s why I’m a bit disappointed Nikki, they are both smart but didn’t really apply themselves. But at the same time, they are both doing well in their respective careers and are well liked and valued by their bosses for their good work ethic, so we must have done something right! 😉
Louise Allan says
Hi Janet, We wouldn’t be parents if we didn’t have regrets, and we seem to spend considerable time pondering the ‘what-if’s’. It’s interesting about the private schooling. We have four children who’ve all been at single sex private schools since their early primary school years and sometimes I wonder if we made the right decision. Firstly, it’s very costly, and my husband and I have had to work very hard to afford it. The kids have missed out on other things, particularly on their father being around. They’ve gained a lot academically and musically, certainly, which will hopefully help them in their careers, but there’s a cost to that too: there’s a lot of pressure on them—these schools love high achievers and sometimes you feel as if they’ve forgotten about your average child. I could list other things that make me wonder if it’s been the right decision and what might have happened if we’d let them go to a government school and just filled in the gaps—the main one being that their dad would have been around more. But there’s no point thinking about that now—what’s done is done and we’ll never know how things might have turned out if a different decision had been made. I’m sure there were positives to the choices you and I have both made for our kids, and we’re probably better off thinking of those!
Janet Camilleri says
I’m reassured to know that I would still be questioning our choices even if we HAD sent the kids to a private high school! And yes, definitely best off thinking about the positives – both my kids work, are financially responsible, and generally doing well … next week I’m planning a post on my parenting NON regrets ie the things I think we did RIGHT!
Danielle L says
I love the idea for this post especially as each point resonated with me quite clearly. I teach at a Catholic school and my husband teaches at a public school and we are yet to agree on where the boys will go for high school. We are very happy with our local primary school but not so much for secondary options.
We are planning on getting a pool and keep pushing it back until we get more money and I am holding off on the playstation too. We do go camping and it is a great thing to do with kids.
Janet Camilleri says
It is so hard to know what the best thing is, especially in the thick of kid rearing … next week I will be sharing our parenting “wins”, ie the things we are really glad we did 🙂
victoria says
i think some of the challenges i had with my sons came from the fact that they did not see me as a real person, with real feelings and real struggles.
Janet Camilleri says
It’s interesting you say that Victoria. Miss 18 was the Queen of Tantrums as a little girl, well past the terrible twos. She has since told me that what made her see the error of her ways was seeing me in my bedroom after one of these episodes, crying my eyes out.
Kirsty @ My Home Truths says
We are going camping with our lot this weekend – I’ll let you know how that goes!
As for your other regrets – we’ll always have things we would have done differently in the past but you always make the best decision possible at the time. My only regret so far is not finishing work sooner so I could have spent more time with my older kids when they were younger. I’m so lucky to have that chance now and to have Tuesdays with my youngest before she heads off to school next year. Better late than never, I guess!
Janet Camilleri says
I hear ya Kirsty. I started working from home when my daughter was in Yr 11 and my son had finished school – you’d think that would be too late – but it has been awesome to be able to be here and give them some gentle guidance and conversation when needed. It doesn’t matter how old your kids are, they still need you!
KathyMarris says
I worked in the public school system for many years and I made the decision to send my kids to a private secondary school based on my experience. However, in saying that I feel that some kids do just as well in the public school system as they do in the private system. I think it always goes back to good parental support and encouragement. Not every child is destined for university. My biggest mistake being a parent was focusing way too much on minor things and worrying about what other parents thought. I think I should have been a bit more relaxed.
Bec @ The Plumbette says
I really liked this post Janet and it intrigued me because my parenting journey is 4 years in. I don’t think private school would have changed their decision not to do uni. I went to a private school and don’t have a degree. As for the church… Well this is a hard one. They both have to come to a decision on what they believe. You can be consistent in taking your kids to church and they stop as soon as they get out of school or move away. I’m sure you were a wonderful mum and still are. Thank you for writing this post. It’s making me think about what I want for my kids in a different light. X
Janet Camilleri says
Thanks for the encouragement Bec. Stay tuned – next week I’m going to share my parenting NON regrets!
Jules says
So many things I think about myself on the list now our three eldest are Adults. Especially the Facebook, church and i also think about our big move over 3 years ago to a city after living in a country town for 14 years. So many fors and against.
Janet Camilleri says
I know … we can only do what we think is best at the time x
Kathy says
We have sent our kids to a Catholic school for primary and we are about to send our daughter to our State High school in their dance excellence program. The school does have a good reputation and hopefully it will be the right decision. With our son just in prep, we can make a different decision for him for high school, depending on his academic interest/ability and other interests. We do have an x-box connect but the kids hardly use it. We bought it thinking Miss Yin (now nearly 12) would use it and Little Yang would grow into it. No rush for him to grow in to it and happy for Miss Yin to occupy herself with dance, although she’s on her laptop a fair bit (and not just for homework, sigh)!
Justine says
I value your honesty so, so much . It’s such a hard job, this parenting jip, always second guessing our decisions. Some days I congratulate myself that everyone was fed and clothed let alone anything extra ha!!! Love you xxx
Janet Camilleri says
Thanks Jus – I hear ya, some days it is amazing if we even remember our own name!
Fiona says
Loved this article and was hoping it would not turn into a Private school versus State school debate , pros and cons to both and a very personal choice to where people will always have different opinions. You made a decision that was right for you at the time the outcome is irrelevant and one that you will never know if it would have made a difference or not so no point having regrets about it as you can’t change it .
I think the fact your kids sound well adjusted and are happy and have had the security of a loving family means more , no school , pool or church can give them that . Good job ?
Janet Camilleri says
Thanks Fiona! I’m proud of how they have turned out – whether that’s because of – or in spite of – our parenting efforts! 😉
Kezia says
Taking these on board my Janet. 🙂
Good advise.
Janet Camilleri says
Hello Kez! So lovely to see you here, you’ve made my day 🙂 . Make sure you check out my follow up post on my parenting NON regrets!!!!